“Mr” and “Chief Editor” reveal final plan

The last few months have been filled with turmoil. From NNW’s bombing to alien landings to Mr revealing that Earth is under threat. But despite the best efforts of so many it seems that Pandemonium cannot be avoided. That is why Mr and Chief Editor have decided to take matters into their own hands.

At a press conference recently, Mr announced the following, “It seems that humanity refuses to see the light. They continue on their path of destruction – that of space travel. In spite of the looming threat posed by the aliens, Earth will not yield. Thus the Xeraxios have now decided that the only way to contain the threat which is mankind is total eradication of our species. Therefore my comrade and I have decided to head off to the aliens’ home world. In the meanwhile, I’ll leave Onegai Blog in the capable hands of a good and trusted friend.”

A day later, at a press conference in the same venue, Chief Editor confirmed what we had all suspected for so long; that he and Mr had an alliance of sorts. “It is time to reveal my role in all of this. Yes Mr and I have an alliance. The truth is that we, along with Zordith who sadly turned to the dark side, have lived hundreds of years. Our sole purpose has been to protect humanity and up until now we have succeeded. But alas, we can no longer control the actions of man. Thus we must seek out the aliens and, if no other option is available, defeat them. The two of us shall be departing on Saturday. I’ll once again be leaving NNW in the capable hands of its staff,” Chief Editor explained.

It seems almost like we are caught in some sort of science fiction drama. To think that all this time people had been living among us who were our protectors and guardians with seemingly indefinite life spans. And to think that now the last two of those guardians plan to depart from Earth in order to defeat an alien threat that we created. It is truly humbling. But at the same time the sheer uncertainty terrifies us. What will become of Earth should Mr and Chief Editor fail?

NNW “the newspaper” says goodbye

Perhaps running out of ink two weeks ago was an omen. Who knows and, quite honestly, at this point who cares? All we do know is that our beloved Chief Editor must once again leave us and this time he’s bound for a planet thousands of light years away. His only companion will be the mysterious Mr, a man who has been subtly manipulating things here on Earth for years. Sadly, both Mr and Chief Editor’s mission to protect humanity from itself has failed. All thanks to Zimbabwe’s hostile treatment of an alien race, the Xeraxios, that landed on Earth some months back and our constant determination as a species to conquer the final frontier. Now the Xeraxios have officially decided to eradicate humanity and perhaps they’re even justified.

Due to these recent events, our NNW staff have unanimously decided that NNW shall no longer serve as a newspaper but instead a go-between to keep everyone on Earth informed, no matter the day or time, whenever there is anything to report of the progress of our last and only two champions. We shall no longer be known as NNW but instead as Alien Mission Reporter (AMR).

We may no longer be a newspaper, but we shall still bring you the truth and keep you all informed to the bitter end – even as Armageddon commences. For our readers, for our Chief Editor, for Mr and for the people of Earth. This is the final official edition of NNW.

“Mr” calls press conference

For years a mysterious man known simply as “Mr” has been living in the public eye, shielded by a dark hood with naught but eyeholes. He has influenced many events and owns many industries including his recent acquisition, Onegai Blog. In spite of all his power, Mr has still shied from the public eye as much as possible. Now, for the first time in history, Mr willingly called a press conference to simply “Speak to the people”.

The International Court has never been used for private purpose before but on Tuesday, January 19^th 2010, it became the venue for Mr’s first willing public appearing.

Security was super tight and a seat had been reserved for every journalist attending, even in spite of the fact that the event had been advertised as “open house” and there was no logical way for Mr to know who’d be coming. Once seated, everybody was silent in anticipation.

Here is the transcript of the most significant press-conference in history:

MR: Welcome everyone. First off I would like to thank you all for coming. Secondly, John Wellington in seat 2-B, your plan to assassinate me with poison gas produced by two chemicals and a catalyst that you hid in the cleaning closet – intended for when you snuck out just now – will not work. I have already taken an antidote for the poison. You will however kill all these innocent people if you try.

JOHN WELLINGTON: No, I wasn’t going to do it! I was just testing to see if I could.

MR: Not according to your diary. You really should use a less decipherable code. Actually, it’s safest to never write down what you truly feel… But back to the point. I called you all to this place today to announce to you a way to save humanity from a great threat. Let me start from the beginning though. Many years ago some of my sources informed me of an alien race, the Xeraxios, had been watching Earth from afar and tuning into the odd satellite broadcast. Sadly, they picked up only our nature channels and a few children’s television programs. To further add to their misguided perception of us, whenever they did take a glance at us, they saw us building things, farming and sending relief to foreign nations who had suffered natural disaster. So, through nothing more than uncanny coincidence, they decided they would send a peace mission to us based purely on the perception they had formed of us. This perception was, of course, untrue.

BRUCE BIGGS (AUSTRALIA TODAY): If I may just point out, Mr, I think-

MR: Be still, you shall all be given a chance to ask questions just now… Back to the topic. The Xeraxios’ peace mission landed on the 7^th of October 2009. It was unfortunate enough that they even attempted contact with a species such as us, but worse was that they landed in Zimbabwe of all places. Not only were they shot at and wounded by President Mugabe’s forces but they were taken to a government facility and experimented on. Luckily I had agents planted within Mugabe’s ranks and was able to have the poor creatures freed. But that presented a whole new problem. On the 23^rd of October when they left “Area 1” and finally Earth itself, they made one last broadcast from the safety of space. In it they expressed their outrage for the treatment they received and warned us that if we ever attempted serious space exploration, they would exterminate us. Now as you know, I have been influencing global events both major and insignificant for the longest time now. This is because I have always had a vision and ultimate goal for humanity. My goal does not include the eradication of our species. But I now fear that events have fallen out of my control somewhat… The next part is a little shocking, but try to stay with me… The governments of the world function only as an illusion to keep all of you subdued and under their control. The truth is that a higher power than them exists. This group that controls everything has decided to proceed with the creation of serious space exploration technology despite the aliens’ warning. I tried to convince them not to, but they would not listen. To put you at ease somewhat, know I will not give up anytime soon. I’m telling you not because I’ve lost hope, but because I feel you all have the right to know that a “Warp Engine” has been designed and is being built. The expected launch date for the vessel containing the warp engine is January 1^st 2012. If any of the scientists working on the project are hearing this, I implore you to please sabotage the project in any way you can… Now I am sure you must have many questions but, alas, my time is limited so I can only answer a few.

BRUCE BIGGS (AUSTRALIA TODAY): Like I was going to say, Mr, I hardly think it’s fair that you expect us to believe you.

MR: Bruce Biggs. You keep two diaries. Both of them are fakes. You think it’ll fool people because you keep your real diary on your computer, much like Mr Wellington.

BRUCE BIGS (AUSTRALIA TODAY): So that proves what? You got a few good hackers up your sleeve? Listen mate, how can we trust somebody who won’t even reveal his face?

MR: Do you reveal your true face or hide behind a personality that makes you socially acceptable? We all wear masks. Mine is just more physical. For example Bruce, though you have never even kissed a man or downloaded porn or written in your diaries about it, I still know you’re gay. You lie in bed many nights fantasizing about a co-worker named Joshua whom you’ve barely said two words to in the five years you’ve been working at Australia Today. Next.

JOHNNY EDDINGS (THE BRITISH NEWS): Mr, do you admit to being part of a group opposing this group that controls the world?

MR: No, not exactly. At this current point in time, I’m fighting alone.

JOHNNY EDDINGS (THE BRITISH NEWS): So then you do not deny the existence of a group opposing the group manipulating the world?

MR: I do not deny that at one time or another throughout history, many such groups have existed. Next.

SAM WATERGATE (THE WASHINGTON SCANDAL): Are the rumours true that you’re dating Lady Gaga and have been romantically linked to Julia Roberts, Jerry Ryan, Brittany Spears and George Clooney?

MR: What do you think? I’m a man who’s only public appearance is in a black hood with two eyeholes cut in it. You try and pick up a girl or guy in this get up… In short, NO! Next.

SVEN MITSCHIKOV (RUSSIA TRUTHFINDER [Approximate translation]): Mr, my country is involved in space program and we beat Americans first-time around. Then Americans beat us with moon landing. Now we even. This is chance to beat Americans again. Are you say we must stop space program?

MR: Yes. Do you really want America to be pointing fingers of blame at your people just before the end? Next.

ANONYMOUS (NNW): Why did you take over Onegai Blog?

MR: Your Chief Editor and I go way back.

ANONYMOUS (NNW): How are you and Chief Editor connected?

MR: We were once colleagues of a sort. Next.

WATARASE SATO (KYOTO POST [Approximate translation]): Should we not also be considering a way of escape? Or perhaps Earth’s defences? [Approximate translation]

MR: Yes, indeed we should. In fact I will gladly fund any such projects! Now I’m sorry but time is up. I will stay in touch via the press though.

Anybody can tell from Mr’s brief press conference, the prognosis is not good. As for our mission to uncover the truth regarding Mr’s identity and his connection with Chief Editor; let’s just call it an incomplete success. All we do know is that it’s clear that Mr is on our side, at least for now.

Aliens Leave

Three weeks ago, aliens landed in Zimbabwe where they apparently sustained injuries from “accidental gunfire”. They were then treated at President Mugabe’s private medical facility. Since then, all public access to the aliens was denied. An alleged statement was made by the alien leader and delivered to the press through one of president Mugabe’s representatives. Since then, the world has waited on tenterhooks for the aliens to recover.

It was a clear and sunny morning at “Area 1” – the informal name of the facility where the alien craft was being held. At approximately 11:32am, a roaring sound came from the main hanger and the alien craft emerged. Without word, the craft shot off into the blue abyss bound for space. After it reached the moon, the vessel sent a transmission to Earth that appeared on every television and radio in the world, covering every single signal frequency. The message was in very poor English but the intention was clear, ‘This a message to Earth. We disgusted by treatment here. We get shot and experimented on. We only escape because one human feel sorry for us. We never come back here. We warn all planets about human beings. We thank man who help us escape. If you humans try make space craft like ours, we make war on you and you all die. Goodbye.’

An international froth has been stirred up and the world is blaming Mugabe for the alien’s poor opinions of Earthlings. Mugabe responded with ‘I don’t care what you say. All the colonials in England are doing this because they want me out of power. I will not submit to them. If anyone says it’s my fault once more, I shall shoot them’. The statement has only served to further infuriate the public as well as the political arena. However, it was the stand-up comic Joe Furry who managed to calm things down when he did his latest show in Whales. In it he parodied the entire debacle before making a serious statement at the end in which he said that we should simply put this behind us and continue to strive towards growing so that one day we could prove to the rest of the alien races out there that we were in fact ready for space travel.

Back in South Africa though, things were not so bright. Malema held a rally in order to have his say. ‘These aliens are the victims here of racial discrimination. Even myself, I thought they may be friends of that Mugabe. Now we hear this. But, what I want to know, where were the white people? Why did the white people do nothing? Was this racism? I cannot know. The only thing I know, maybe the aliens will have come for the 2010 world cup. But now they won’t. It is that Mugabe’s fault. We must pick up our guns!’ Malema said before retiring to a limousine. Analysts are worried that if Malema persists, he may very well succeed in starting a war between South Africa and Zimbabwe. ‘At this time, so close to the 2010 world cup which Malema seems to love so much, it would be a very bad idea to start a war,’ Marco Sitholi, Chief Analyst at Wits University says.

Scientists in America are desperately trying to figure out a way of communicating with the aliens while a team of anthropologists and psychiatrists have been given the task of putting together a DVD movie we can broadcast to the aliens to make them see that we are not the violent race they believe us to be. Though nobody can predict the outcome of this project, most people are sceptical about any form of success.

Aliens Make Contact

Two days ago, unlike what was always expected, an alien shuttle landed in Harare, Zimbabwe. Currently, there has been no direct contact between the aliens and the rest of the world although President Robert Mugabe’s office has issued a statement regarding the arrival of this new race. According to Mugabe’s office, ‘The aliens are being treated for gunshot wounds which they accidentally sustained whilst disembarking from their ship. What happened was that at that exact time, we were firing upon an angry mob of MDC supporters who wished to harm the aliens. The aliens, all twenty of them, slipped and fell backwards into our line of fire. They are being treated in a private medical facility and their leader has issued this statement: “We, the aliens that landed here, wish to congratulate Mr Mugabe’s smooth running of things and expedient handling of this crisis involving our terrible accident. We do not in anyway hold Mr Mugabe or his associates responsible.” We are not prepared to allow anybody to visit the aliens because their health is in jeopardy. We will be open to negotiation once the aliens have fully recovered.’

South Africa, one of Zimbabwe’s neighbours is up in arms already as many believe this situation could become hostile. At an anti-alien rally yesterday Julius Malema, ANC Youth League President issued this statement: ‘This is a dangerous time! If these aliens are landing in Zimbabwe, then it means they must be friends of Mugabe. He is treating them in his private hospital. Maybe they can try to take over Africa with their friend Mugabe… But these aliens must know we don’t want them in South Africa. We don’t want them to be putting things in our bum. We don’t want them to be giving our children those pointy ears… And where are all the white South Africans? Why are they not here to protest? Maybe they like the aliens. Maybe they watch too much Star Wars… We must fight together if the aliens come here. We must take up our spears as our fathers did. This is the new freedom struggle.’

Pressure is mounting in the United States as a group calling themselves “The Believers” are protesting angrily at the alien’s choice not to make contact on American soil. Spokesperson John Jacobs says ‘It’s an insult to the American way. We have devoted years to trying to prove their existence at our own expense. We have been laughed at and ridiculed by family and friends. The least they could have done was show some appreciation for the sacrifices we made.’ The Believers group has also threatened to cease believing in aliens should they fail to send another ship down to land on American soil within a week. ‘We will also halt the production of all our “I believe” shirts and bumper stickers for the time being,’ says Jacobs.

Religious leaders too, are in a frenzy and most have refused to comment. The pope did however make one brief statement: ‘It is clear that the devil has created these creatures to confuse us. We must remain strong now more than ever as this is the sign that will mark the beginning of end times.’

It is unclear as to which direction this conflict will take but analysts are concerned about the other possible consequences once the aliens go fully public. ‘Their presence may cause people to lose interest in science fiction regarding aliens. This could have untold ramifications on the entertainment business,’ Kathy Peters, chief entertainment analyst says.

What ever the outcome may be, there is still no guarantee that the aliens will even make a public appearance. For now, the global populace is in suspense, awaiting the conclusion to this event.