Letters

Dear NNW, I’d just like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and prosperous New Year. I think your paper’s great and I hope you keep going strong in 2010. All the best! Richard (Letter)

Thank you, Richard. Happy festive season to you too and thanks for all your support.

Dear NNW. I’m writing to commend you for not falling victim to the “Christmas Commercialism” like all other newspapers and magazines. Not once have I seen a Christmas related article or advertisement upon your pages and I will forever hold you guys in high regard for succeeding where others have failed. Harry (Letter)

Thank you, Harry. We believe in maintaining the utmost integrity because we’d rather have the few readers like you than thousands of readers like those who are slaves of pop-culture. This is why we haven’t, nor will we mention Christmas or do any articles vaguely relating to the celebration – ever.

Happy Christmas and New Year to NNW and Chief Editor (Wherever he is now). Thank you for being a wonderful paper and thank you for helping me through my marriage crisis (which has now been resolved thanks to the kind words of Chief Editor). Anna (Letter).

Dear Anna, we’re glad to hear that you are well. We’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year.

Hey guys. I’m so sad I can’t make the office party this year but, as you know, a lot has happened lately. You guys… What can I say? You’ve done a wonderful job keeping the paper going in my absence. You’ve really made me proud to call you colleagues and friends. I love you guys, all of you. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Chief Editor (Email)

Thank you Chief Editor. You’re an inspiration to us all. You’ve been fighting for justice so hard. We admire you and we love you too. Wherever you are right now, we’re praying for your success and although you may be physically alone this festive season, know that we’re with you in spirit – NNW Team.

Elves Threaten Strike

The Elf Worker’s Union, E-WU, is threatening to go on strike next year due to poor wage increases this year. Although this does not represent any current danger to Christmas 2009, the strike could impede next year’s Christmas. ‘The problem is that there is a large quota that must be fulfilled. If the Elves went on strike for the month of February say, then they’d be a month behind. So when Christmas 2010 comes along, they’ll be a month behind in toy-making and Christmas would end up being postponed until January 2011. It’s a delicate balance and one upset will cause very dangerous ripples,’ Prof. Joe Stringy, Head of the Analytical Department at the University of Analysing Things, says.

But the elves do not care. They are adamant that no matter the consequences, the strike is justified. ‘We were given a measly one percent increase. It was just sufficient to push our wages up into the next tax bracket. Now we are taking home less than before the increase. We want at least seven percent and will not settle for anything less, even in the face of Armageddon,’ Orlando Broom, head of E-WU, stated at a press conference.

At this point negotiations are still in their early stages but are already falling apart and this does not bode well for Christmas 2010. In spite of the possible repercussions, neither side is willing to budge. If the situation does not take a drastic turn, prepare to celebrate Christmas 2010 in January 2011.

Santa Caught With Pants Down

Whether they call him Santa, Father Christmas or St. Nicholas, he’s a symbol known throughout the world to kids. But the overweight, jovial old man who brings gifts to millions brought a little more this year.

On December 24^th (Christmas Eve) at only 20h00 in the evening, Santa was arrested by police in a strip club, Mammary’s, in Hobart, Tasmania for indecent exposure and being a public menace. According to the club’s owner Ima Pratt, ‘The old man came in for a few drinks and some adult entertainment. We were happy at first to have somebody of such celebrity status in our humble establishment. But after a few drinks, Santa became quite rowdy. Still, we tolerated it because he was a celebrity and he was a paying customer. Sadly, as the night progressed, the old man simply became intolerable. He started harassing other customers and eventually stripped down to his underwear and leapt on the bar to begin a strip show of his own. Snatching a bottle of Vodka from behind the bar, Santa then proceeded to begin gulping it down as if it were fruit juice. It was really despicable. But that wasn’t where it ended, oh no. He then removed his underwear and flung them at one of our dancers. The poor girl was so traumatised that she couldn’t finish her act and we had to move straight onto our next set. I asked security to escort Santa out but he used magic and froze them. That’s when I realised how dangerous the situation was so I phoned the police. Well by the time they got there, Santa had passed out in a puddle of his own puke.’

The event has caused absolutely no international stir with most of the population being very quiet about it. It is only the Jehovah’s Witness community that have made any noise about it. ‘This just goes to show why Christmas and birthdays are evil. It’s proof that Jehovah does not condone the practice of heathen celebrations,’ Josh Fletcher, a Jehovah’s Witness Elder says. This remark was met with a harsh and extreme rebuttal statement from “Mr” who said at a press conference about two hours ago, ‘Josh Fletcher is just jealous because he never had Christmas and birthday presents. Ha, ha! You never got any presents. Yes, Christmas is mainly commercial bullshit but it’s fun all the same. I don’t condone Santa but for god’s sake, the poor fuck is the one dude who works the hardest over Christmas. He’s a guy after all and we like to party hard.’

There are many who are concerned though, that if Santa is not released by police soon, there may not be a Christmas this year. Luckily for millions of children, Mr has already stepped in with a plan. ‘I have the resources. I’ve already hired a team of experts and spell-casters. We will head to the North Pole, pick up the presents and deliver them on schedule,’ said Mr towards the end of his speech.

Although Christmas has been saved this year, the question on everybody’s mind is, “Will Santa be back next year”? This is hard to predict. It’s certain that he will face charges for his behaviour, but how this affects his career and whether this will affect the Elf Workers Union (E-WU) strike. Whether Santa is to be replaced is anybody’s guess.

Santa Claus vs. The Easter Bunny

It’s the movie we’ve all been waiting for, the epic to challenge the likes of “Lord of the Rings” and “Star Wars”. It’s none other than “Santa Claus vs. The Easter Bunny” and it opens at cinemas on December 25^th 2009.

[Screenshot not available]

Official Title(s): Santa Claus vs. The Easter Bunny

Copyright: © 2009

Studio: Muchstone

Age Restriction: 18 SNLVP (R-rated)

Actors: Bruce Willis, Zachary Quinto, Jennifer Garner

Director: Fred Ucker

Genre(s): Action, Art, Gangster, Sci-Fi, Romance

Type: CGI – Animated

Running Time: 180 min.

Synopsis:

It is the year 2100. All the cities of the world have been destroyed by global warming and America, now known as Neo York, is the last Earth Colony left. Neo York faces a crisis because more and more of it’s population are migrating to the Lunar Colony on the moon where life is much less harsh. Even The Easter Bunny has fled there. Grimly, the few patriots cling desperately to Neo York and their old way of life. But this all changes when the Lunar Colony declares war on Earth and gives the people of Neo York 1 month to submit or be destroyed. With Earth’s army now a joke in comparison to the Lunar Colony’s, the president of Neo York is left with only one choice: Call on Santa Claus for help. But Santa (Willis) is not as he was the previous few centuries. Having lost his wife, his reindeer, his dog, his elves and his pet fish back in 2050, Santa is now a drunken, self-loathing burnout. Reluctantly, Santa agrees to aid them in their war when the president threatens him with the fact that his Neo York visa has expired. But this is no ordinary war. Santa is up against his old comrade and now sworn enemy, The Easter Bunny (Quinto). Luckily for Santa, he’s given a partner to aid him, The Tooth Fairy (Garner). Together, the team of two set off for the moon to infiltrate The Easter Bunny’s lair, take him down and restore peace. But things grow complicated as feelings develop between Santa and The Tooth Fairy.

Review:

The overall storyline is maybe a little contrived but is still has a fair amount of credibility. As the plot progresses, you’ll definitely begin to grasp it’s complexities better and this shows off the true talent of Hollywood script writers today.

Willis’s performance is brilliant playing the role of a burnout, a role that he’s never tackled before, and it’s nice to see his versatility coming out so well on screen. As for Quinto, he makes an acceptable Easter Bunny but one can’t help but expect him to slice open heads with telepathy every scene he appears in. Garner’s performance in contrast is neither good nor bad; simply mediocre. This is the most surprising thing of all considering her excellent track record.

The dialogue is a tad generic but it passes because the character development is so outstanding. In fact as far as character development goes, this movie sets a brand new standard in entertainment and surpasses even greats like “The Bold and The Beautiful”.

The soundtrack to the film is brilliant. Even if you hate the movie, simply getting to listen to the music played through the powerful sound system of a movie theatre is worth the ticket. It features artists such as 50 Cent, Mandoza, James Blunt and Mika.

As far as SFX and directing are concerned, Santa Claus vs. The Easter Bunny is like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Eat your heart out Cameron because this movie is about to blow you away.

As an all-rounder, this is definitely a movie for everyone. No matter who you are or what you’re into, this film is going to have something in it for you, so book your tickets as soon as you can!